DIY Brunch Pitchers, Little Havana Style

Ah, the first warm weekend of March. The tease of an upcoming Spring. Does anything make you want to start drinking early, more than that first Sunday when temperatures reach the 60s? Goodbye chores, hello impromptu Sunday Funday.

A trip to Target netted us the all-inclusive badminton set (netted us, get it?), and we found the Dollar Tree stocks plastic 2-liter pitchers. With friends on the way over, and the girlfriend cooking up some serious breakfast burritos (with shredded chicken AND dried chorizo, mind you), it was time for me to throw together enough Bloody Mary & mimosa action to get everyone good and toasted. Only then would be ready to step out back and challenge each other for the best shuttlecock joke.

Of course, the bottomless pitchers of Bloody Marys & mimosas at Little Havana brunches are a big draw - and rightfully so. $13.95 for a underwhelmingly sized plate of breakfast you'll have to wait forever to arrive isn't so bad, when you know A) it'll be tasty and more importantly B) the price includes drink-til-the-cows-come-home goodness. But sometimes we don't have the money, drive, or stomach to fight our way through the scores of yuppies in the popular Federal Hill establishment. Here's your DIY solution:

First off, make a bunch of ice. We're talking at least 6 trays' worth. Obtain 4 2-liter pitchers. It'll help if measurements are listed along the pitcher's side.
Also purchase and chill the following:
3 bottles of champagne/sparkling wine, 750mL - cheap is good, I like Andre Spumante ($5.99 ea)
750mL bottle of vodka - feel free to roll with rail. My buddy brought over Kamchatka, which did the job.
3 bottles of Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary mix, 33.8 fl. oz. - I prefer the Bold & Spicy variety ($3.99 ea). Tip: if you choose a different brand, don't go with Major Peters. Funny name yes, but horrible taste.
2 1/2 gallons of orange juice - again, go cheap, just make sure to get pulpless (approx $1.99 ea)
Hopefully you already have pepper, Old Bay, and some form of Worcestershire sauce (I use Lea & Perrins). If not, grab 'em. If you're the type who likes a celery garnish, slice some up too.

The mimosas are simple as can be. Toss one liter of champagne and one liter of orange juice in each of the first two pitchers. You should have enough left over for a bonus pint or so.

The Bloody Marys are a little more of a science. Exact proportions will vary by taste. As for me, I like 'em spicy. Each of my pitchers came to 1 1/4 liters Bloody Mary mix, about 2/3 liter vodka, a teaspoon of Worcestershire, a sprinkle of pepper, and at least a teaspoon of Old Bay. These suckers had kick. I'd love to be more specific with my proportions, but I was winging it. There were a few mimosas under my belt by that point, as well.

Here's something you can do to ensure that your brunch booze will stay tastier than that of Little Havana: keep all that ice separate. While they put it directly in the pitchers, you should be scooping it out into your guests' glasses as needed. This keeps your pitchers from getting watered down and severely less delicious.

4 pitchers should take care of a good crowd (say 6-8), assuming that everyone doesn't go for your mimosas and disregard their tomato-based brunch brother-in-arms. Cheers.

Emerald Tavern, 2/07/09

Thanks to John Waters' A Dirty Shame, we all know how sex-crazed and elaborately perverse the residents of Northeast Baltimore can be. In the 2004 film, Chris Isaak's character's take on his neighborhood's depravity and fetishistic inclinations is simply "Welcome to the Harford Road area." It's along this thoroughfare that Parkville and Hamilton got to play setting and supporting character in what some worry may be the last film shot in Baltimore by her favorite son.

Recently, I set out to discover where Shame's subject matter drinks, because Parkside and Hamilton Tavern it ain't. These newer joints, while not without their charm, are evidence of Brewers Art extending its reach from downtown (both are co-owned by B.A. alums). Not coincidentally, that's the same place much of their yuppie and hipster clientele appears to be coming from. Pray tell, good sir, where are the locals? The area's true-blue indigenous folk are apparently imbibing elsewhere along Harford Road. But where in particular?

For starters, I'm sure a decent crowd was forming at Racers (7732 Harford Rd., [410] 665-6000). Already being hip to the place, I opted to forego free peanuts and the chance to see which soccer jersey Skip the bartender was wearing tonight. I wanted something new, so my first stop was the Emerald Tavern (8300 Harford Rd., [410] 661-2299).

Should've gone to Racers. The Emerald Tavern, turns out, is another indistinctive Irish-for-the-sake-of-it bars, with $5 Guinnesses that taste a bit off (keg change, please) and little else to indicate consistency with the name of the joint – the walls may be painted green, but they house Ravens memorabilia and flatscreens showing college basketball. Strangely, the four flatscreen tvs were outnumbered by five outdated standard sets, hanging silent and black around the bar. I supposed they'll remain for a while longer, if the Christmas garland still on display is any indication.

Three bartenders were working a slow Saturday night; luckily this staffing oversight made it easy to avoid the rude male bartender, who displayed zero desire to fetch anyone an overpriced $2.25 bottle of Boh. The ladies were nice enough, even when I became the weird guy who asks for an itemized receipt at the bar. Rail drinks ran a decent price at $3.50, and the place offers $1.50 pints of PBR, so some bargains exist.

The clientele did seem to be comprised of those locals I was in search of – but then again, the unremarkable Emerald Tavern doesn't offer a reason for which someone might go out of their way. The big highlight occurred when a patron asked me about our vicinity to "titty bars." John Waters was onto something.

A letdown like this only ups the stakes for the next barhopping destination. It was time to suck it up; the next stop would be Harford Road's infamously intimidating biker bar. Drop by later in the week to read about my experience infiltrating the Holiday House (6427 Harford Rd., [410] 426-6794).